Tactical HQ- V 2

Humor for 'Real Cops'

WARNING! - some of the jokes on this page are not 'politically correct', so if you're easily offended....hit your browser's BACK button now.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband "What did he say?. The husband replies "he wants to see your driver's license." The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there. The women looks at her husband and asked "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

I stopped a motorist for driving at night without headlights. He handed me his only proof of his identity, an INS registered alien card. The card was obviously fraudulent based on the date of birth printed on the card: 02-30-76. Needless to say, he was arrested for driving without a license. I asked the driver how much he paid for the card. He said
$100.00. I asked him if he was aware of the date and he just shrugged his shoulders. Job security.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives
his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

A couple of kids in the South get pulled over for speeding.  When the trooper approaches the car, the driver says 'What's the problem, sir?'.  The trooper takes out his machined aluminum flashlight and whacks the kid across the head saying 'You don't speak to a state trooper unless you're spoken to'.  The trooper writes out the citation and gives it to the driver who responds 'Thanks a lot'. The trooper again gives the kid a dose of the flashlight and says 'When you address a state trooper, you finish your sentence with the word sir'. He then walks over to the passenger side and whacks the other kid with the flashlight. The kid says 'What was that for, sir?' The trooper says 'I was just fulfilling your wish. Y'all wouldn't have gotten 100 yards down this road before you'd have said to your friend "I wish he'd have hit me with that flashlight", so I fulfilled your wish.'

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says 'I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball'. The trooper responded that 'Troopers don't have balls, ma'am.' After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove off. Even cops don't win them all.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says 'It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.' The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says 'My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back'.

A dirtbag breaks into a house and hears a voice say 'Jesus is watching you'.  He freezes up for a second, takes a look around and when he didn't see anybody, reaches for the VCR and hears the voice again say 'Jesus is watching you'.  He looks around again and notices a parrot over in the corner of the room.   He reaches for the VCR again and the parrot says 'Jesus is watching you'.  He walks over to the parrot and asks it what it's name was.  The parrot told him 'Moses'.  The criminal asked the parrot what kind of idiot named a parrot Moses. The parrot said 'The same kind of idiot that would name a Doberman Jesus'.

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop (don't they all). After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'. The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'.

More jokes coming, so stop back by this site soon!

Please send your law enforcement jokes (relatively clean, please) and humorous stories to info@jenjammar.com. We'll post the best on this site.

Also, visit A Treasury of Policy Humor for more humor. 

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